I don't mind if you forget me

What's new?

2003-11-15T15:25:00.000+09:00

http://www.lottachan.net/

boys

2003-11-14T02:26:00.000+09:00

Vincent Gallo's interview reminded me how I used to think about boys.
He described his new movie, The Brown Bunny is about how men feels,
in essense, and how sensitive men are.

I used to think boys stand aloof from worldly things compared to girls.
I believed that they are more free from mundanity and I was envious of
them. I wanted to be like them because they seemed to be more beautiful
and free as they are while girls are required some extra decorations
or makeups to be considred attractive. I was always at a loss since I
thought none of these decorations would suite me. I wanted to bring
myself closer to boys than girls.

As I grow older, I come to understand that they do have their own
sufferings, struggles and sadness. Maybe most girls were already
aware that when they were younger, but I guess I idealized them
too much.

Boys often surpise me how fragile they are as they are strong at
the same time. I am charmed with their virility and sensitivity.
I am attracted to them because of the glimpse of this contradiction
they show me now and then.

Since boys are quite vulnerable in fact, and also feel the pressure of
not showing their weakness to others and being strong, it is very rare
that they show this beauty of combination. But when they show me
every once in a while, it is fleeting and beautiful.

during the earthquake

2003-11-13T00:41:00.000+09:00

My office is located in a skyscraper. Whenever an
earthquake happens while I am working in my office,
I always think:

I would die here if this earthquake is a massive one.

I would be dropped into the ocean if this building is
broken off in the middle.

I would not be able to get out from this building even
if I try to leave here from escape stair. We would fall
down one after another since my office is in the middle of
such a tall building. I would probably end up being stepped
on and fall down on other people and die in the emergency
staircase.

I would be burried in the rubble if this bulding just collapse.
It would be such a huge mountain of rubble. And I would be
beyond recognition by the time when I get to the ground
from the height of my office. No one would be able to identify me.

I know these ideas sound disasterous and too pessmistic or stupid.
But they are the ideas always spinning in my head during the quake.
They are actually reassuring for me though.

It is probably because my nature is very passive. Just waiting for
something happens. Other than these ideas, Hole's "Miss World"
was in my head today.

RETiSONiC

2003-11-11T17:11:00.000+09:00

I sent a mail to RETiSONiC to ask when they are coming to Japan
since they are planning lots of gigs in the US recently.
And Jason replied to my mail. He said they might come to
Japan next Spring maybe along with their first full album.
Great! I'm really excited about it since his previous band,
Bluetip's gig at Shinjuku LOFT with some Japanese bands
like Naht, Cowpers and 54-71 was one of the best gigs I have
ever seen.

migration

2003-11-11T12:00:00.000+09:00

I'm currently trying to migrate my blog to MovableType.

Obtained my domain name at GoDaddy and installed
MovableType Version 2.64 according to the instruction.
Until the initialization of the system has been done so far,
but now I don't feel quite right about my domain name.
Maybe I should have not worked on it that late at night.
Or I'll get used to it pretty soon, perhaps.

This tutorial in TokyoShoes was very helpful for me to
understand the basic and to see what kind of services are
necessary to start blogging with MT.

How have I been?

2003-11-10T01:44:00.000+09:00

Another stories related to my new mobile phone.

I was constrained to change my mobile phone number and
mail address because the carrier is different from the old phone.
Therefore, I had to send out mails to my friends to let them know
my new number and address.

First story has something to do with my mail address. My new mobile
phone mail address starts with the word "tenjira". It means to have
a tea in the sun for breakfast, but I am not sure what language it is.
I took it from Flowchart's album, Tenjira .
Three of my friends asked me the meaning of the word so far.
Interestingly or maybe I should say naturally according to their
profession and experiences, these are the friends who have been
involved in translation. Others didn't ask me. And out of these three
friends, two of them told me that they were kind of surprised that
this one word can have that much meaning.

Their reaction was quite interesting for me because they are the
people I have been friends with most closely at present, and their
response was quite similar. Pehaps, it is one of the evidence that
I like people who are sensitive to the languages. I am not sure if I
am sensitive enough because if I am very sensitive, I might have
to be too embarassed to write my blog in English. But at least I am
brave enough not to be too afraid of the language and making mistakes.
I still have some eagerness to learn and am in the growth process,
always.

And the second story starts from a casual question by an old friend
since university in response to my notice. He asked me how I have
been since I met him last time. His innocent question got me thoughtful
how I have been for last 3 or 4 months.

I play futsal almost every weekend and also ultimate once in a while.
They are good exercises. They clear up my mind every weekend.

In regards to music, I go to gigs a couple of times a month lately
and enjoy them. Besides I found out that I like folk music as well
as fast and loud hardcore music by a friend's recommendation this
summer. It was a very nice discovery for a muso like me to find
some music, which is new for me and I can enjoy a lot.

I watched good movies and some of them made me think a lot. I got
good food for thoughts. Not only good for thoughts, strong emotions
were raised by them. Happiness, sadness, etc.

I had a good time during the two weeks holiday in Ireland and England.
I enjoyed the peaceful, beautiful and sometimes amazing scenery, and
heard a lot of interesting stories. And also had a good time with friends.

My work has been busy, but I work on the project I wanted to.
Even though I have some complaints, but basically I like what I do
at work.

I have friends at work, outside of work, since university, etc.
And I talk with them, write to them, hear from them, and meet them.
I have friends, and they are good friends of mine no matter how I am.
LIke when I am down or happy. And I believe I am a good friend of
theirs, too.

I started this blog in July and it's been quite helpful for myself to
clarify my thoughts and to keep notes about the discovery I had.
So many things have been clarified since I started writing and I
wanted to describe and note the hapiness of the discovery and
achievement. Besides, writing about good memories made me
blissfully happy. It is basically self-content, but having a comment
from a friend about these happy memories made me even happier.

Thus, I thought back on last a couple of months and sorted out as
above. A friend's innocent question made me realize how I have been.
Overall, I have been doing quite well. So, my answer was "I have
doing been fine".

I'm afraid that I am not brave enough

2003-11-10T01:31:00.000+09:00

A couple of friends said, "I thought you are carrying the TV remote
controll outside of your house", when they saw my new mobile phone.
Unfortunately, I am not that brave to do that just to make you guys laugh.

As Meias, Just A Fire @ Shibuya NEST

2003-11-09T23:12:00.000+09:00

They reminded me of the pleasure of being wrapped in the sound of guitar.

As Meias is a Japanese (so-called?) post-hardcore band started by the members
of ex There is the light that never goes out and Blue Beard. I did not expect them
playing mostly instrumental numbers. what I imagined before the gig was more like
normal post-hardcore stuff...loud guitar sound along with shouting vocal. It was a
nice surprise for me that I could enjoy the music without vocals that much. Their
tension and sharpness was something I was missing since the break up of my
favorite band, Cowpers. Unfortunately there is no sample audio file from either
As Meias and There is the light that never goes out. I seldom find them from
Japanese bands on the web and it is pity.

Darkness, weakness, etc

2003-11-09T15:34:00.000+09:00

A friend told me that he likes Weezer because of Rivers Cuomo's
darkness and how he shows it, which is reassuring for him. I think
I like them because of his wimpiness and weakness in his songs,
which is also reassuring for me too.

Buffalo '66

2003-11-08T02:05:00.000+09:00

I have been waiting for Vincent Gallo's new movie, the Brown Bunny,
since I read his and Chloe Sevigny's interview on CUT magazine.

I can't wait, but not only as a substitute, I felt ilke to watch Buffalo '66 again.
I have seen it once a couple of years ago. I liked it then, but a bit
annoyed by Billy Brown's nervousness. My favorite scene was in the
bowling alley, Christina Ricci dancing with King Crimson's Moon Child.

Still Billy's restlessness annoys me, but the lovableness takes over
after a while. He is painfully sensitive. He appears to be so arrogant,
but so fragile and simple after all. His behavior is loaded with
contradictions. It is very humane. It is charming.

memo

2003-11-07T11:47:00.000+09:00

YELL!

current moon

2003-11-07T01:47:00.000+09:00

I found it on an old friend's web site. I like it because
I can see the phases of the moon change constantly and
it is not practical like the weather forecast. It's no use for
me, but just for fun, which is good. Besides I feel a bond
with the moon because my Thai nickname stands for the
moon.

simple pleasure

2003-11-07T01:22:00.000+09:00

I think the Vaselines' "Son of a Gun" is the embodiment of simple pleasure.

I used to sing it in a stupid way just to make ex boyfriend laugh.
It worked quite well most of the time.

I assume Kurt Cobain liked and covered this song because it brought about
the simple and pure pleasure of music to him also.

Yes!

2003-11-06T02:24:00.000+09:00

Girls love it, too!

I cannot help showing off my new mobile phone at work and friends.
One of my colleagues made up her mind that she will go to buy one
this weekend.

The Postal Service

2003-11-06T02:07:00.000+09:00

Nice electronic pop from SUB POP. I did not know that there's a
band like this in SUB POP. They sound more like from Darla Records
in San Francisco. Blissful ambient music from Darla had
been my favorite about 3 years ago and the Postal Service
reminds me of that time.

I like the first song (.rm format) in this album because of
the wistful voice and melody.

not a monster

2003-11-05T11:41:00.000+09:00

I happened to call him a monster by mistake. Actually I meant
the monster was me when I said that.

He is not a monster, he is more like E.T. for me.

He's been my dear friend. I just have to await for him going
back to where he belongs to from some distance. Thus, I think
I will be Elliot instead of Kintaro. That sounds better to me.

glasses and bald-head

2003-11-05T03:23:00.000+09:00

Today, a friend pointed out that I have an affinity for men with glasses
and bald-head. I got tongue-tied for a second, but I realized that it is
true. Therefore, I said "Yes". Another discovery about myself.

how to kill a monster

2003-11-05T02:44:00.000+09:00

I want to get rid of a monster. But I don't know how.

Maybe I should become Kintaro with an ax and a bear
as attendant. My father called me Kintaro once in a while because
I looked like him with short bobed hair when I was a kid. It's not
a compliment at all for a little girl, of course. I really hated it. But
maybe I should be him for now. But I don't know how to become him.

To be honest, I really don't even know if I want to get rid of the monster.
It is more like I feel I should, rather than I want to. I wonder if I am trying to be
something I am not.

unending

2003-11-05T01:02:00.000+09:00

This is also torture. Help me.

torture

2003-11-04T22:03:00.000+09:00

A Weezer's song has been playing in my head since this afternoon...it is torture.
I'll get used to it soon. Just need to be a bit more patient for a while.

I was happy

2003-11-04T13:59:00.000+09:00

I was happy about my new mobile phone, but after having a look at them...

ishicoro
talby

I am not so sure if I am that happy anymore. Anyway, I needed to buy a new
phone since it is getting broken...I know I am trying to persuade myself now.

Building

2003-11-03T18:54:00.000+09:00

I wanted to post a picture of my new mobile phone. But I cannot
take a picture of it with the mobile phone...it is a dilemma.

According to this article, the one I got seems to be the least popular one.
It doesn't matter and actually it would be less annoying since I don't have to
see other people have the same one so often.

Carlos Spencer

2003-11-03T00:27:00.000+09:00

Another beautiful man from rugby world cup!!!

otona-gai

2003-11-01T23:12:00.000+09:00

Otona-gai is "大人買い". It literally means "adult buying".

When you were a kid or a teenager, maybe you could not buy
as many books, records, CDs, etc as you want. But after growing-up
and started making your own money, you can buy a lot more
than you could afford in the past. Such as buying Doraemon comic books
straight from vol.1 to 45 at the same time. That is otona-gai. If you
were from rich family, maybe you could do that even when you were 7
years old though.

I bought 11 CDs today but I had done it when I was a student too,
so it wasn't really otona-gai. Besides most of them are second-hand
CDs. But the word poped up in my mind, anyway or this is just an
excuse since I am supposed to be on a tight budget after vacation.

I started organizing my CD shelves because they have been so
messy and I could not find what I wanted sometimes. After a while,
I realized that there are a couple of CDs I haven't listened since I bought
them. I was kind of ashamed when I found those unlistened CDs in my
shelf. Because it could never happen when I was a teenager. I always
selected CDs to buy very carefully and I could not wait until I came home
to listen to them. And after I bought them, I listened to them again and
again even if they were not that great stuff because they were my
belongings and I chose them a lot more carefully than I do now.
I feel guilty now.

2003-10-31T19:17:00.000+09:00

Sometimes I feel like to stop being a human being.
Now it is one of these times.

What would you like to be when you don't
feel like to stay a human being?

Now I feel like to listen to Throbbing Gristel's
Subhuman instead of the House of Love.

I don't know why I love you

2003-10-31T12:01:00.000+09:00

I don't know why I love you
Your face is hammer in my head
I remember every word you said
I just don't know why I love

A song from the House of Love. I got caught by this song and
Christine when I was 18. A friend from San Diego brought the CDs
and showed me the video. I could not think about anything else,
but this song. My mind was completely occupied. I even had trouble
to eat because of this song.

It was really nice to listen to this song written by Guy Chadwick
again just a week ago. I still love the sound and the lyrics. I
feel like to listen to it again but I don't have the CD at work now.
I'm craving for it now!

maybe it was a little premature

2003-10-30T02:45:00.000+09:00

I wanted to overcome the insecurity I have felt while I am walking
by myself at night since I bumped into a flasher on my way home
from work. It has been so annoying as if my small liberty was deprived
by the incident.

I liked to take a walk along the road next to the rail track of
Yamanote-line, especially in Spring. Because I could do some
ohanami at night for myself even after work. I also liked to be
absorbed in thoughts while I was walking along that place.
Therefore, I did some experiment for myself after work tonight
because I really want to get rid of the discomfort.

There is another route from the station to my apartment without
going through the place I saw that pervert. I was still nervous
about trying. So I stopped by Lawson and Tsutaya and took time
to calm down.

It was ok. Nothing happened. But I was really uncomfortable when
I was walking alone. Kind of regretted that I decided to do this
tonight. Now I know that I can walk by myself at night for some
extra walk from one stop before my station. But I don't think I will
do it again in the meantime. I don't want to do that for now.
It really sucks.

Kyokutou Saizensen (Far East Forefront)

2003-10-28T01:43:00.000+09:00

I saw Cursive and Eastern Youth at Liquid Room today.

Cursive was ok. A bit different from what I expected but
I don't remember what I expected before I saw them though.
The vocal sounds a bit like Robert Smith from the Cure, but
it does not matter. To me, it seems like they are trying to
do something elaborate but their play was too unstable
for their attempt.

Eastern Youth, a Japanese emotional indie rock band, they
got me into Japanese emo/hardcore/post-hardcore bands 3 or
4 years ago in Summer Sonic. It's been a while since
I saw them last time, and it was great to see them again.

I love their song called "Natu no Hi no Gogo" (An Afternoon
on a summer day). I was quite happy when they played
this song as their second last song of the gig. It does remind
me of the day I saw them at Summer Sonic. A hot sunny summer
day and the rail of roller-coaster in Fujikyu Highland and the blue
sky I saw from the skylight of the venue.

I like their style. The combination of emotional, fast, loud,
kind of unrefined music and quaint Japanese lyrics is
quite unique. Some people might say it is a loud enka or even
too corny. Probably they have that kind of taste because they
are from Hokkaido originally even though they called themselves
from Tokyo, which made me frown a little bit, actually.

Oh well, I might be a bit too grumpy that they told us they
are from Tokyo. Most of the audience are supposed to be from
Tokyo since the gig was held in Tokyo and it would be easier to
have more sympathy. And they have been in Tokyo for long time
already and it is a lot easier to make yourself sense if you say
you are from Tokyo rather than saying you are from some other
smaller cities as long as you don't feel uncomfortable with that.
That's what I actually do when I am outside of Japan just because
it is convenient and I wouldn't bother to explain like my parents
house is an hour away from northern part of Tokyo by train, blah-blah-blah,
unless I am talking with someone who is really interested in where it is.

Although I was born in Tokyo and have been living here for 10 years
since university, but I don't really consider myself from Tokyo. You have to
live here at least three generations of your family, to call yourself "Edokko".
Actually my mother's family lives in Tokyo since my grandfather moved from
Niigata, I might deserve to call myself somehow... But I am still a too naive
country girl to be comfortable with myself calling from Tokyo!

one year anniversary

2003-10-27T01:25:00.000+09:00

It's been just one year since I got my tragus pierced at
Paradox in Shibuya. Happy birthday.

memo

2003-10-27T00:58:00.000+09:00

Music:
11/9 (Sun) Shibuya ON AIR Nest
Just A Fire, As Meias, etc

Movie:
the brown bunny

guilt of being selfish

2003-10-26T23:32:00.000+09:00

There is one person who I wanted to talk with for nearly 2 years,
but I couldn't. Now I can talk because we started getting in touch
again, actually I started. But I cannot let that person too close. If
I feel the attempt of shortening the distance, I cannot help withdrawing.

I feel guilty for standing back like this. Because I was once
so happy when I felt accepted again and I was the one who started.
But when it comes to the undesirable way or more than I want, I
cannot take it and I push it back. Selfishly, the distance and the form
of our relationship must be in the way I need them to be.

3 bruises and 1 scratch

2003-10-26T02:09:00.000+09:00

I felt smarting pain when I was having a bath.

I found 1 scratch with my elbow. It is from the futsal
game today. But I do not remember even if I fell down
and how I scraped my elbow.

I found 3 bruises with my thighs. They are already getting
yellowish now. I got them from the futsal games last a couple
of weeks. And I have no idea about how and when I got them
either.

They brought back to my mind that my mother did not like me
playing soccer. Because it is not girly at all. But, Mom, please
understand that I needed to do something to get rid of
everything from my mind when I started playing soccer.
I haven't told you that and I will never tell you though.

I needed to be preoccupied by something I had never done
before. It was the reason why I started something I would be so
terrible at. I needed something I could be frantically trying.
Otherwise, I felt I was about to break down. Playing soccer saved my
screwed up mind when I was 19.

It did not have to be soccer at all. I wasn't paticulary interested
in soccer. It was not because I had a crush on a boy who played
soccer. Even if it was, I suppose playing soccer with them could
be one of the most hopeless tactics to attract boys, from my own
subsequent experiences.

To return, and now, I still need it to keep me sane. I love how
I feel when I am playing soccer. I cannot really think while I am
playing, although I do think what to do during the play, but
there is nothing else other than that. What I have in my mind
during the play is more like something in between thinking
and instinct. Maybe that's all. I do not need anything else.
I have been addicted to that feeling and it might not sound so
sane, perhaps.

it's not just desire

2003-10-24T00:47:00.000+09:00

I have a legitimate reason for wanting a new keitai.

my first mobile phone is getting broken.

I decided to buy this one simply beacuse I really liked the color and the
strongish design. It did not matter whether it is a Docomo phone or
not. Well, actually I would have been happier if it is not Docomo, to be
honest. If this one is still sold, I would buy the same one even though
most people would have a laugh at the outdated size and the small
monochrome screen.

spinning

2003-10-24T00:20:00.000+09:00

My head has been filled up with this song by Up and Coming.

materialistic desire

2003-10-23T20:11:00.000+09:00

I want this.

Missing

2003-10-23T01:08:00.000+09:00

Over the last few days, I have had some opportunities to recall the
time I spent in Santa Barbara. When I was talking with a friend and a
couple of people from Southern California, writing and reading some
e-mails exchanged with friends and reading this blog.

Not all the time was fun, of course. There were some unpleasant
experiences as it can be anywhere else in the world. Such as being
asked a question like if Japanese women obey whatever men
command, by a complete mullethead stranger on my way to a
supermarket from the dorm. I was disgusted. And it still does
sound terrible and makes me furious. But something similar can
happen not only in the US, of course in Japan, too. I would never
say being asked such a question was a good experience, but the
experience of being a foreigner, being considered as a foreigner
made some difference in my perspective. It is not only the anger,
definitely.

I still miss Southern California at times, especially the weather,
although I felt too monotonous for a someone who was raised
in the country with distinct four seasons, sometimes. And I miss
the determination I had about my life back then. I was more
determined about what to do in my life, but less flexible. I was
young and stubborn. The year I spent there is one of the most
important components of myself.

My type

2003-10-22T01:32:00.000+09:00

Since I read Atsuko-san's blog entry about her type,
I was going to write about it too, but I kept forgetting.
I don't know why.

During the conversation with a friend today, I realized
that writing about someone I care for makes me happy.
So, why not about my type of men for today?

1. J. Robbins from Burning Airlines.
I wanted to marry him when I saw his gig in Sendai.

2. Seiji Hirao. I use to go to watch rugby games often
with my father when he was a player. I thought he was
the most beautiful man in the world.

3. Gendo Takebayashi from Cowpers.
I saw him for the first time in the Pixies Tribute Concert.
They played "Bone Machine".
I did regret that I had not listen to them until them. I still cannot
get over the shock I got then. No other bands can give me a
shock like they did. And Gendo-san was the live-action version
of Tetsuo in AKIRA. I could not believe
that a man like him really exist. Unfortunately Cowpers broke up
a year ago, but he started a new band. I will have to go
all the way to Sapporo to see him playing again.

4. Steve Buscemi.
A friend said he looks like a rat. It doesn't matter to me. I would be
in love with a record collector like him as Enid in Ghost World.
And a good-for-nothing guy in Trees Lounge made me feel so wistful.
I have no doubt with that Chloë Sevigny as Debbie fell
in love with him in this movie.

About my mother

2003-10-21T00:30:00.000+09:00

It is so much easier for me to write about my father rather than
my mother. Because my father is much more similar to me than my
mother and it is a lot easier for me to understand him now. On the
other hand, my mother is very different from me. I always felt I would
never be able to be like her, in any ways.

I had, and maybe still am having a little, hard time to accept my own
femininity partly because of my mother. Because I could not accept her
as my role model as a female. I considered her more like a negative
example for myself because she seemed so feminine, maybe the way too
much for me and not independent but whiny. I took it as an epitome of
being feminine and I did not like it (now I know that men can be like that
too, of course). So I used to think I did not want to be a woman like her.
My mother is a quite nice, decent and humane person though. I do respect
her but I could not accept her when I was younger. It probably caused
me to avoid and reject being feminine as much as possible.

I used to think I was so different from my mother and she is very
feminine. And I thought I would never be able to be feminine, it would
not suit me to be like that because I believed myself was far removed
from my mother. I thought I was more similar to my father and so did
everyone else in my family. It made me believe that being feminine would
never suit me. Thus, I identified myself to my father and wished to be
a tomboy instead of being girly as my mother wanted me to be. It was a
completely wrong reasoning.

However, I am a lot more comfortable with being a female now.
I decided to be more "feminine" than I was, a couple of years ago,
although it might not be something I can decide, maybe I just came
to accept what I have had. However, still, I think I chose to be more
feminine, at least in appearance intentionally. I just noticed that it was
quite close to the time when I came to know my mother a lot more than
before, such as the reasons why she did not work after she married,
her struggle with my grandmother, etc. I realized that how little I knew
about her, even though we had lived in the same house as a family for
20 years. I had thought I chose to be more "feminine" simply because
of the breakup with my ex boyfriend. But it was not the only reason.

Having said that, it is still not so easy to write about my mother herself.
I have written more about my acceptance of femininity rather than my
mother. Because I still do not know her so much yet even though I used to
take her for granted as a family. But my mother, she is a personification of
being feminine for me. She has a lot to do with it. I used to feel I inherit
nothing from her but it was not right. I have got a lot inherited from her.
And not only the inheritance, her affection has been generous even when I
was rejecting her.

My cleaning music

2003-10-20T23:22:00.000+09:00

When I was a student and in the library, I often listened to
Nine Inch Nails, Jesus and Mary Chain, and My Bloody Valentine.

When I am at work, Number Girl, Cowpers, Hot Snakes, Rocket
From the Crypt, Big Black, and recently Van Morrison and Nick Cave.

When it is the nice weather and I don't feel like to do anything but
just lying down, especially for an Indian summer day, Fishmans is
perfect.

When I am cleaning my apartment, Red Hot Chilli Pepper's Mother's
Milk used to be the music I always played. But last a couple of years,
Bluetip's Polymer was the album for cleaning. Sometimes I could not
help dancing around by myself instead of cleaning though.

I started thinking about the music I play in each occasion while I was
cooking today. And realized that I don't play any music when I cook.

Monday...

2003-10-20T00:47:00.000+09:00

I do not want to go to work today. I would rather go to
Kouenji 20000 Volt to see DDM again instead of going to work.

Yagate Kanashiki Gaikokugo

2003-10-19T02:30:00.000+09:00

An essay by Haruki Murakami. This book is about his life and
thoughts during his stay in Princeton.

I wonder if someone is translating this book into English.
If not, I wish I was capable of doing that. I want this book
to be read by people from other countried as much as his
other novels...because this book shows how he thought
about America, English, Japan, Japanese, translation, etc.

recapture

2003-10-19T01:36:00.000+09:00

Ex models was awesome!! They were even better than last week.

Dance Disaster Movement was great, too.
I could not help smiling complacently during their show. Disquieting,
yet funny at the same time (I've got the sass, mp3). Reminds me of 80s electric pop
and German stuff like DAF... I talked to Matt from DDM because I wanted to tell them
that it was a great show and I really liked it. It was kind of funny conversation because
we talked about an Italian restaurant in Santa Barbara, where I stayed for one year
several years ago, other than music.

I found Mark from No T-shirt and asked him if they have any plans for next show and
it turned out that they will probably play with Just a Fire in November.
Good news. He also recommended me to try The faint from Saddle Creek
if I like DDM.

My passion for music is back now. It had been lost temporary since the breakups of
my favorite bands (4 of them!!). I think I started taking it back while I was on holiday
in Ireland and London.

I'm happy to hear that

2003-10-18T02:09:00.000+09:00

My mother called me this morning and she told me that my mother and father
are going to Yaku-shima next month. I was quite happy when I heard this
because I had never heard that my parents have been on a trip by themselves
other than their honeymoon trip. They even did not go out by themselves until
a couple of years ago.

My father had been an extreme example of typical Japanese salariman.
He bought a house in the suburb of Tokyo and spent about an hour and a
half one way every day for commuting. He went to work early and came
home late. Not just only for work, he went out for drink with his clients,
colleagues and friends after work, and did not come home after midnight
most of the days. I seldom saw him at home even during weekends when I
was a kid because he was out to play golf or mahjong. I still believe that he
had never been a good husband for my mother.

However, since my grandmother (98 years old!) became unable to take care
of herself a couple of years ago, he seems to have changed a lot. He had
never been supportive in parenting, and other family affairs up until then, but
now he is.

Maybe he is changing mainly because he has been realizing that he is
getting old, too, while he is seeing his own mother. Probably the reason why
he is getting more supportive to my mother might be more likekly to be selfish,
it might be his own fear of getting old rather than caring for my mother, but he
has changed, in fact. I hope the weather will be fine in Yaku-shima.

memo

2003-10-17T16:13:00.000+09:00

Up and Coming and Nine Days Wonder from CATUNE.

10/26 (Sun) Shimokitazawa ERA
Sequence Pulse, Balloons, Up and Coming

12/20 (Sat) Shibuya ON AIR Nest
Nine Days Wonder, Toe, Up and Coming

Belated

2003-10-16T22:17:00.000+09:00

This morning, I could not have some tea or coffee with my breakfast.
I had to take cold-water shower because the gas supply was stopped in
my apartment. I was wondering if I forgot to pay for the gas last month
before I left for holiday or they made some mistakes.

I walked to Enesta (service station by Tokyo Gas) nearby to see what
happened before going to work this morning. They checked their database
for me, and it was fine and the gas should have been supplied properly.
Then, they remembered that it can be stopped because of the earthquake.

My apartment is in the 8th floor and it is understandable that the shaking can
be worse than lower floors. Actually I was working in much more higher building
yesterday when we had the earthquake, but I did not realize it was that bad
until I went to Enesta this morning.

Last night, I had read some blogs about the earthquake we had yesterday.
I was scared too, but did not think of anything to mention until this morning.
How dull I am!

The Boatman's Call

2003-10-16T12:53:00.000+09:00

I wanted to listen to Nick Cave's "The Boatman's Call" last week,
but I couldn't. It's been a while since I listened to it last
time, and now I am listening at work. His tender music makes me
happy.

Unsound?

2003-10-15T01:00:00.000+09:00

Is it unhealthy to do something getting nowhere?

I wish I could do something getting somewhere instead.
I know that it is not going anywhere and it is fleeting.
But it offers me oppotunities to think, talk, feel, express, et al.
Although having these oppotunities is not the reason why I want
to do something seems unrewarding. I want to do it just because
I want to do so at this moment. Why bother ignoring my desire?

Does this blindness itself show my unsoundness?

This Charming Man

2003-10-15T00:51:00.000+09:00

Since Saturday, The Smiths' "This Charming Man has been jingling in my head on and off.

I did not expect to hear this song in a hardcore gig. Maybe I was so vulnerable with
this kind of stuff and got caught up.

You are problem

2003-10-14T18:42:00.000+09:00

A couple of years ago, the president of my company asked me to send some
document to him and I sent it.

He wrote back to me "Thank you". I was going to write back "No problem",
at first, and then I thought it might sound casual for an e-mail to "Shachou".
Then I decided to write "You are welcome" instead. I thought I wrote so,
but after pressing Send button, I realized that I sent it without completing
the correction, "You are problem". My Freudian slip made me scream in front of
my PC.

Thank you

2003-10-12T12:52:00.000+09:00

Matt-san. The Giant Robo mp3 you recorded with your friend was hilarious.

No way!!

2003-10-12T12:23:00.000+09:00

They are going to cut off the power supply this evening...from
18.00 to 20.00. It means that I cannot record the rugby world cup
game, Japan vs Scotland today. Hidooi!!

Ex Models

2003-10-12T00:25:00.000+09:00

I woke up at 3pm today. Maybe because of the jet-lag. I had been
pretty much fine during the week though.

Then I left home for Shimokitazawa to see Ex Models and No T-shirt
at ERA. I had been debating with myself whether I would go or not.
But I made up my mind after watching their video (QuickTime file.
It is so-called fast-core or something like that. You might like it
if you are into Melt Banana kind of music) and listening to the mp3.

I got to the venue quarter past 7pm. I thought it was going to start
from 7pm, but actually they started from 630pm. But I guess I did
not miss "anything" even though the first band was already playing.
Some hardcore bands, they can really turn me on for the first 30
seconds or so but most of them let me down after that, especially
the vocalists start singing, unfortunately.

No T-shirt was pretty good. Their sound was a bit wistful. I would
love to see them playing again but it seems no other shows are
planned for now.

Ex Models...shaggy, funny and cool. I like it and am looking forward
to seeing them again next Saturday.

memo

2003-10-10T15:43:00.000+09:00

10/18 (Sat) Shimokitazawa ERA
Ex Models, Dance Disaster Movement, Kiwiroll, etc

11/8 (Sat) Klub Counter Action
Spiral Chord, Discotortion, etc

under construction

2003-10-10T02:10:00.000+09:00

Lottachan no oyasumi

music

2003-10-09T16:04:00.000+09:00

Sometimes it works as a pain reliever and sometimes
it makes a scratch or picks off a scab.

I prefer listening something nudgy when I am in pain.
It is kind of defence mechanism for me.

escape

2003-10-09T01:57:00.000+09:00

I want to go to Mongol, Spain, Scotland, Germany, Mexico, Italy,
Hungary, Czech, China, Vietnam, Cambodia, California, Hokkaido,
Okinawa, Yaku-shima, etc...

I wonder if I will go on a trip alone again next year. Sometimes
I prefer traveling by myself, though. It is not because someone
gives me a CD or a barrette for free and there are some other
reasons. I love the rushes of feelings and thoughts while I am
traveling by myself. But I am also afraid that I get used to being
in solitude too much.

Karate canceled

2003-10-07T15:19:00.000+09:00

I was going to see Karate next month and check out the ticket information on
dotlinecicle web site. And found out that their Japan tour was canceled.
Too bad.

end of the holiday

2003-10-07T14:55:00.000+09:00

I got back home a couple of hours ago. Today is the last day
of my 2 weeks holiday. Ughhhh.

The flight from Heathrow wasn't bad because it was quite empty
and I could use the middle row just by myself. I could sleep several
hours during the flight.

Other than sleeping, I watched Colin Farrell's Phone Booth and read a bit
of Douglas Coupland's new book. I realized that I was reading his
All Famlies Are Psychotic on my way home from Amsterdam last year,
and Life After God 2 years ago from Munich. Coupland comes along with the end of my trip.

2003-10-06T06:04:00.000+09:00

Last day in London. I am flying back to home tomorrow.

2003-10-03T18:04:00.000+09:00

3rd day in London. I was out with my friend for Jello Biafra's spoken word
in Camden Town last night. It was interesting but very very long. The
bartender said "Good luck!" to my friend when she went to buy a bottle
of Colona and "Enjoy!" to me.

2003-09-28T19:45:00.000+09:00

Today is my last day in Dublin. I walked around the city from Trinity College,
St. Patrick's Cathedral, Christ Church, Temple Bar, Graffton Street, etc.
In the afternoon, I will go to James Joyce Museum and come back to have a
look at pubs how the people are like at the All Irish final Gaelic football game.
I should be in Belfast tomorrow if I don't get lost.

Yesterday, I was in this internet cafe as well. And there was a girl...probably from Russia
was sitting next to me. She asked me the spelling of English words a couple of times,
such as "guy" and "sophisticated".

2003-09-26T07:35:00.000+09:00

Today, I came to Galway, which is about 3 hours away from
Dublin and located in the west coast of Ireland. It seems a nice
little city.

I have made up my mind to extend my stay in Ireland for a couple
of days instead of going to Edinburgh. I will go up north to Belfast
on Monday and stay there for 2 days. Then take a ferry and the bus
to London to visit my friends. Hopefully I will get to see Jello Biafra's
spoken words on October 2nd with a friend in London. I am not sure
if it is what I really want to see it, but I feel like to see something in
London.

2003-09-23T18:05:00.000+09:00

I am in Dublin now.

2003-09-21T22:21:00.000+09:00

A poem by Shuntaro Tanikawa, again, from his
"Masshiro de iru yori mo (Rather than being immaculate)".

I'll be gone to Ireland and England for 2 weeks from
tomorrow to get lost.

-----------------------------------------------
真っ白でいるよりも

自分がチェンバロになって
一晩中待っているのよ
もちろんモーツァルトを
まだ十二歳の
ほらそんなふうに
眠れないときってない？

愛ってのはころがってるのね
キッチンなんかにね
玉ねぎ刻んでて涙が出ると
思い出すわ
悲しみの理由は
いつもいつも愛だったって

生まれ変わったら鯨になりたい
海の中で歌って暮らすの
言葉は知らないの
でも歌はあるの
鯨の心は人間よりもずっと大きいから
歌もいつまでも続くの

そうなんだよ
絵になる一瞬が大事なのさ
私そのために生きてる
だから私の写真一枚だけとっておいて
そいで思い出さずに空想して
私の一生を

まだ二十世紀なのね
未来ってなんてゆっくり来るんだろ
待ってらんないな
椅子に座ってるのもまどろっこしい
恋をするのも
夢をみるのもまどろっこしい

わざわざ迷子になりに行くの
巨大迷路に
ここだどこか今がいつか
分かりすぎるんだもん
それなのに不意にわからなくなる
地球儀なんか見てると

花が咲いてるでしょ
海鳴りが聞えるでしょ
そよ風も吹いているでしょ
それだけで幸せって思ってしまうでしょ
だから私うしろめたいの
ひとりぼっちが

私は空から見られているのだわ
カラスに雲にトンボに天使に
空から見ると
意地悪も嫉妬も見えなくなって
私は私じゃなくなって
きっと地面に溶けている

マラケシュにいたときのこと聞きたい？
でもあなたはいなかったのだから
きっと退屈ね
マラケシュにも子どもがいたわ
黙りこくって立っている子が
だからきっと愛もあったのね

嘘つくのって好きよ
まだ知らないほんとのことを
知っているような気になれるから
でもほんとのほんとは
一瞬で過ぎ去る
いい匂いみたいに

男よりも
木に抱かれたい
葉っぱに触ってほしい
枝に縛られたい
根っことからみあいたい
私は空にやきもちやくの
木は夜も空をみつめているんだもの

知ってた？
気持ちにはいろんな色がある
私あなたの色とまざってもいい
真っ白でいるよりも
きらいな花の色になるほうがまし
でしょ？

「真っ白でいるよりも」　谷川俊太郎

2003-09-19T02:23:00.000+09:00

Weird. Maybe not so weird but it feels so at this moment. I am
now deciding what to do to get rid of this or to go further from
here. Maybe I have already made up my mind in regards to the
procedure. Life is full of wonders.

2003-09-18T00:01:00.000+09:00

consistency and flexibility

Is it difficult to have both at the same time?

When I was more consistent, I was not very flexible. I could only direct my
attention to what I have decided. Probably I was more self-contented then.

After I lost my consistency, I became more flexible. I was kind of happy about
that because I thought I found something I had not imagined before.

2003-09-16T23:51:00.000+09:00

Extremes

When I started this blog in July, something extreme was what I was
afraid of. And today, I remembered that I have liked extremes all along.

Even when I was afraid of it, I have been attracted to it. I was afraid of it
because I would not be able to get back who I had been before knowing
the extremes.

I have liked extremes, but sometimes I do like moderation as well.
I have no doubt with that. I see the beauty of balance and accordance
in moderation. But there is more intense aesthetics in extremes. The
beauty of extremes is in its intensity and instability. That means it is
unenduring, the pleasure of the moment. It can be painful when we
lose it, but it is also too enchanting to pass by.

I realized that I used to be aware that I like extremes in past days
and I had kept ignoring it for a while up until today. I wonder when
I quit being aware of it. Did I ignore or become unaware of it because
I believed I could prevent losing my innocence by turning my back on
my inclination of extremes?

I do not remember how and when I started ignoring my preference of
extremes. However, I am not trying to narcotize myself to extremes
now.

2003-09-14T01:18:00.000+09:00

Went to my university reunion party in Mitaka.
A friend was wearking a t-shirt with the following phrase:

There is more pleasure in loving than in being loved.

I was wondering if he was dumped or something like that
happened and asked him if there was any intention of
wearing that t-shirt. Then he started talking about 5 girls
he likes at this moment. Oh well, he's a busy man.

2003-09-12T00:39:00.000+09:00

a pervert:

A couple of days ago, while I was having a cup of coffee after lunch with my
colleagues, one of them started talking about a flasher she encountered in
Daikanyama last weekend. I have heard from her about another pervert a
while ago and I felt sorry for her because she comes accross such a dirty
freaks often. But I did not expect it would happen to me at all because it
had never happened until today.

I often get off the train one station before my station to take some walk
on my way home. I walk along the railroad often even after midnight even
though there are some posters to alert us to the pervert in the area.
Actually I came home a little earlier than usual. It was kind of late at night,
but still not too late.

I was walking by myself. A man walked from backward and he slowed down
unnaturally when he passed, granced at me and got near to me. I slowed down
more than he did and walked to the oppossite side of the road. And then he
turned back and talked to me. I withdrew my eyes from him reflexibly because
of his unnatural behavior.

It was really really disgusting. He talked to me politely, like "Sumimasen".
He repeated "Sumimasen, sumimasen" a couple of times. Then he told me
"Sumimasen, boku no koto wo mite kudasai (Excuse me, please look at me)".
How creepy it was. His politeness horrified me even more. I was furious, but I
could not do anything other than running away to the convenience store nearby.
I wish I could bury that pervert at a construction site nearby and pour concrete
on him.

I am not pretending to be innocent now. I do enjoy the beauty of male body, but
it was not what I want. He can't use me or force me like that without my concent.

2003-09-11T01:25:00.000+09:00

Rejection:

I am not use to rejecting. I wish I didn't have to do that. Maybe I do reject
unintentionally sometimes. But I don't like doing it intentionally just because
it takes some energy for someone I don't really care for and I don't want to
be bothered by them. I wish they could leave me alone. It's not because I
feel sorry for someone who is rejected. I am not that nice.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I left work earlier than usual with my colleagues (also my futsal teammates)
to watch Japan vs Senegal friendly match at a pub nearby my office. Another frustrating
game again.

2003-09-10T01:07:00.000+09:00

Bought another album from Happy End. I like the self-titled first album better, so far.
The second album, "Kazemachi Roman" is great, too, but it sounds a bit too sophisticated
for me at this moment.

I could not imagine myself listening to 70s folk music when I was a teenager.
And also listening to hardcore and punk, which I had been into for last a couple of
years, was something I did not imagine, either.

I regret that I did not pay attention to those music earlier, but it also makes me
feel that life is still full of unexpected surprises. What will the next nice surprises
jump in my life?

2003-09-08T22:20:00.000+09:00

Until this afternoon, I did not know that there's a song called
"I don't mind if you forget me" from Morrissey.

I wanted to use it as the title of my blog because I liked the art exhibition
by Yoshitomo Nara held in Yokohama Art Museum 2 years ago.
I like this title because it sounds a bit setsunai and the determination
and the strength as well. Those little girls drawn by Nara makes me feel the same.

Determination and strength. I have wanted to have them for last a couple
of years. Perhaps I am getting another determination or realizing that I have
had it for long time but it has been buried. But having or realizing it does not
seem to make my life easier at all. I need more strength to pursue the determination,
probably. And the strength itself does not make my life easier at all either.

2003-09-08T14:49:00.000+09:00

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

しあわせなんて何を持ってるかじゃない
何を欲しがるかだぜ

「はっぴいえんど」はっぴいえんど

2003-09-07T22:09:00.000+09:00

Scored a goal today. It wasn't a gottsuan goal this time!

Karate will come to Japan in the beginning of November. I love to see them playing.
And I got a ticket for Eastern Youth and Cursive as well. Good lineup from the
of October to the beginning of November.

2003-09-07T12:54:00.000+09:00

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lost in Translation. Hayaku mitai.
But I don't remember how I found out about this movie. Did I find this while I was doing
some search about Happy End?

Going to play ping-pong and pool before playing soccer today.
And need to go to record stores to get Happy End, Iggy Pop, PIL and
Van Morrison CDs.

2003-09-07T01:18:00.000+09:00

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Good:
Scored 2 goals today...I mean on Saturday.

Bad:
I noticed there was a gray hair with my temple this morning.

2003-09-04T02:02:00.000+09:00

Well, I admit that I did not like Punch-Drunk Love on Sunday
as much as I had done when I saw it for the first time. Maybe
I did not want to admit that because I had really liked it.

The more I understood it and the less I liked it? This is not the case.
Or is it too violent or odd? I didn't think so.

It's not a matter of understanding, violence or strangeness. But it is a
matter of the change in my attitude. Perhaps I just wanted to be needed
or wanted blindly back then. I did not mind that the inevitability or mutuality
of the combination of Bally and Lina was not clear. It's tactless to think like
that about this movie, I think.

But now I want to be wanted and needed by someone I want and need.
Maybe it does not happen mutually too often in the real life. But it doesn't matter.
I have made up my mind to be more greedy.

2003-09-03T02:45:00.000+09:00

Finished "Miira-tori Ryouki-tan" by Taeko Kouno.

Decent writing style. Not so distant or acute as Yumiko Kurahashi,
but still her choice of words is beautiful.

"Bizarre Story of Mummy Hunter" can be the direct translation of the title.
Please forgive my horrible translation. According to Kouno, "miira" is something
very attractive, but quite hard to obtain as well. To obtain it, you have to go
out on a limb. Even if you can get it, you will never be able to be back where
you were once you take what you long for.

I wonder if I was and am still getting close to my "miira", which I used to be scared of and still I am.
I wonder why I read this book for the first time when I was 18 and how I felt then.
I wonder how much I have changed or not changed since then.
I wonder if I knew myself better then.

2003-09-02T02:17:00.000+09:00

"Would you go out with a guy like that?"
A friend of mine who had seen Punch-Drunk Love asked me.
I thought I would say "Yes, I would. Defintely". But I am not
sure that much now.

It's not because he is very strange. It's not because I was
disappointed with the movie when I saw it again. It's not
because of Emily Watson, although I really don't like her.

2003-08-31T22:46:00.000+09:00

Punch-Drunk Love

Saw it today in Ebisu. I want to write about it because it was a
sweet movie...I like it a lot. Actually I have seen it before already
and wanted to see it again with Japanese subtitles. I really want
to write about it now, but I am too sleepy and drunk now. I will
write about it as soon as I can...hopefully tomorrow.

I still cannot get over working 30 hours on Friday and Saturday.

2003-08-29T16:58:00.000+09:00

Received the first feedback from Atsuko-san since
I added my Hotmail address at the end of my blog.
Thank you!!! I'm happy to hear that you like my blog.

2003-08-27T01:38:00.000+09:00

Having heard from someone for the first time after 6 months of
absence, I was not happy at all. Only awkwardness existed.
I cannot believe that I used to believe that it was what I wanted.

It was probably because I had not been myself back then. Probably
I did not want to be myself to protect my real self and did not want to
know myself either. However, I have realized what I want more clealy
than I used to recently. And the realization is still in progress.

Knowing what I want was what I used to be afraid of. But I have come to
known what I want more and more day by day. It can be still scary sometimes
because not all of my desires are easily acceptable for me. It has been taking
long time because it was what I tried to ignore.

But knowing what I want has given me the strength. Even though some of them
could be devious somewhat, but it does not matter. I want to know what they are.

Knowing what I don't know yet is one of what I want.
Maybe one of the most powerful urges I have now.

2003-08-25T00:31:00.000+09:00

On Saturday, I played futsal with my colleagues from 3 to 5 pm.
It was quite hot, but felt good after playing 2 hours. I regretted a
little bit because I did/could not move enough during the first one hour
because of the heat.

It was in Kanazawa Bunko and there were fireworks from 7 o'clock.
After the practice, we went to one of the colleagues apartment and
we went up to the rooftop. It was special seat for us. Actually the
gate to the roof was locked up and we had to climb over there.
It made things even more fun.

It was the first fireworks I saw this year. I don't remember if I saw any
for last a couple of years because I try to avoid going to too crowded places
unless I really have to go. But it was really fun because we did not have to
be in the crowed, got a perfect view, good breeze on the roof, and beer and
wine as well. It was a perfect place to have a party in the summer. The roof of
my colleague's apartment was so comfortable and two of us took a nap on the
roof then.

To be honest, I had not expected so much with the fireworks until I saw
them yesterday. But they were quite nice and I enjoyed them a lot.
I was a bit envious of my colleague's mobile phone camera because
she could keep the fragile beauty even a little and pass along to her
friends.

2003-08-21T01:53:00.000+09:00

I went to see Quruli and the Dismemberment Plan at Kawasaki Club Citta
with a friend. It has been like more than 10 years since I went there last
time. Probably it was since I saw the Charlatans there.

The Dismemberment Plan was pretty good. It is pity that they are going to
break up after this tour. Their show was a lot more entertaining than I expected
from their CD.

Quruli was great. Actually, at first, I was a bit disappointed that they did not play
too many songs I liked from there last 2 albums. But these 2 songs, especially
the final song they played, "Tokyo" completely changed the impression. I was
glad that I saw them today because of this song.

And the other song is called "Wonderfogel".
"ハローもグッバイもサンキューも言わなくなって / こんなにもすれ違ってそれぞれに歩いていく"
This phrase pierced me today.

東京

東京の街に出て来ました
あい変わらずわけの解からない事言ってます
恥ずかしい事ないように見えますか
駅でたまに昔の君が懐かしくなります

雨に降られて彼等は風邪をひきました
あい変わらず僕はなんとか大丈夫です
よく休んだらきっと良くなるでしょう
今夜ちょっと君に電話しようと思った

君がいない事　君と上手く話せない事
君が素敵だった事　忘れてしまった事

話は変わって今年の夏は暑くなさそう
あい変わらず季節に敏感にいたい
早く急がなきゃ飲み物を買いにゆく
ついでにちょっと君にまた電話したくなった

君がいるかな　君と上手く話せるかな
まぁいいか
でもすごくつらくなるんだろうな
君が素敵だった事　ちょっと思い出してみようかな

2003-08-20T00:03:00.000+09:00

It seems like the rainy season decided to stay here unusually longer
this year. Sometimes I wonder what month it is now. Maybe I should call
it as the beginnig of the fall instead of the rainy season. But I want to
think this is still rainy season because it is my season.

I was born on June 21, 1973 in Tokyo. It was during the rainy season.
I don't remember how old I was when I started recognizing my birthday,
but I remember that as soon as I understood the concept of birthday when
I was a kid, I started considering June is my month, rainy season is my season,
and hydrangea, ajisai is my flower. And I still feel so.

This year, I turned 30 years old. Before turning to 30, I had been terrified for a
couple of months. Scared of being unable to change from how I was and being
forced to change from how I was. I had been got caught in my past and future.
A couple of weeks before my birthday was the worst time of this year. Maybe one
of the worst in my life. I had felt my personality was denied and wished to quit living
as a human being. I wanted to be a slug instead of staying human because I was
feeling completely worn out and did not have energy to keep my form and
I thought I would probably deform soon. I was about to drown and could not
pay attention that it was the beginning of my season.

Although I had been freaked until the last minute, I had a tranquil day in Shinjuku
Gyoen on my birthday. That day, I took a load taken off my mind. It was what I
had kept for almost 2 years. It was the anger, sadness, loneliness, pain, and
guilt. But it did not came out badly at all when I started talking about what I wanted
to say for those 2 years. Actually I could express myself quite well then because I was
blessed with the listner with whom I longed to talk again and I also had ignored the
longing for long time. I felt accepted, and I was accepted.

It has been 2 months since my birthday. Now I am not intimidated by my age.
I had been afraid of change before my birthday and I changed somewhat for
these 2 months but these changes are completely different from what I was
afraid of and they are pleasant changes because of excellent helps I have had for
these 2 months. I know that there are something hasn't changed in myself and
some of them will remain as they are even after I grow older. The changes happened
for these 2 months are really happy changes. And finally I have remembered to
enjoy rainy season as my season after a delay of 2 months.

2003-08-14T01:40:00.000+09:00

Million Dollar Hotel -- Wim Wenders

I did not expect this movie could make my heart ache that much
at the end. I cannot help feeling like this because of what Tom Tom said.
"The sweetest thing I ever heard".

彼女の話は実現しないと
分かってた

でもあんなに楽しい話を
聞くのは初めてだった

I knew her plan could never work
could never work

that was the sweetest thing I ever heard
the sweetest thing I ever heard

2003-08-12T01:34:00.000+09:00

もし言葉が

黙っていた方がいいのだ
もし言葉が
一つの小石の沈黙を
忘れている位なら
その沈黙の
友情と敵意を
慣れた舌で
ごたまぜにする位なら

黙っていた方がいいのだ
一つの言葉の中に
戦いを見ぬ位なら
祭りとそして
死を聞かぬくらいなら

黙っていた方がいいのだ
もし言葉が
言葉を超えたものに
自らを捧げぬ位なら
常により深い静けさのために
歌おうとせぬ位なら

「あなたに」谷川俊太郎

自分の気持ちを人に伝えるには、言葉にして伝えることと
その気持ちを言葉にできないことによって伝わることとがある。

言葉にしなければ私の気持ちや考えは他人には伝わらないし、
言葉にするときに誤った言葉を使うことによって伝わらなくなることもある。

言葉にすることによって、言葉で伝えられることのほかに、言葉では
伝えられないことの存在も明らかになる。それは言葉にはならず、でも
言葉に影響を与えたりもする。

黙っていることが分からないということではなくて、言葉の重さを
知っているがために言葉にして伝えることができないときもある。

黙っていることの重さと、安易に黙らないことの重さを二つ抱えて
生きていかなければならないのだ、と思う。

2003-08-10T23:53:00.000+09:00

思い知る

どうなるのかな、と思ってはいたのだけどやっぱり元には戻れないのだなと思い知った。
もう忘れてしまえたかな、と思っていたことをやっぱり忘れていないのだな、とも思い知った。
2年前のことと2ヶ月前のこと。

思い知る、というのは何とも厳しい響きのある言葉だなあ、と思う。
曖昧にやり過ごすことを許されずに現実や真実を突きつけられる。
この言葉の持つ鋭さを今更のように実感させられる。

2003-08-06T01:28:00.000+09:00

言葉を交わす

辞書を引くと「互いに口をききあう」という程度の意味しか出ていなかったり
する言葉なのだけれど、ただ「話す」というよりも「言葉を交わす」と表現したくなるような
瞬間が時々ある。

相手に自分の気持ちを言葉にして送り出し、相手の気持ちも言葉となって受け取り、
そのときに使われている言葉だけでなく、形にならない何かをお互いに渡したり
受け取ったりしている瞬間。その瞬間には言葉の持つ意味だけじゃなくて、言葉で
表し切れない気持ちも伝え合ったりしている。

言葉というものに対して期待し過ぎているのだろうか。
言葉というものを重要に考え過ぎているのだろうか。
言葉というものに振り回されているのだろうか。
それなのに言葉では伝えきれないものがあるとも思う。
言葉にしないことで伝わることもあるとも思う。

2003-08-05T00:55:00.000+09:00

Searching for Debra Winger -- Rosanna Arquette

I thought it was a cute movie. It was fun to see lots of actresses
talk about their work and life that bluntly.

Especially I loved the interview with Holly Hunter. She said that how
happy she was with her body and her acting when she turned 40.
And this happiness was what she didn't have when she was in her 30s
with herself. This scene made me feel the same strength as in the
poems by Ibaraki Noriko, such as Watashi ga ichiban kirei datta toki,
etc. The beauty of the strength was there.

2003-08-03T23:57:00.000+09:00

Knowing what I want

A friend told me about her expectations to her new girlfriend.
She wants her girlfriend to be bilingual, tall, homo-sexual, not bi, and
have some experience with other women as well.

When I heard these, I was envious that she could describe
her expectations that clearly. I would be too scared to say this kind of
things that clearly because I would be scared of being considered
too greedy. I know I am greedy in some way and I might be too
idealistic about this kind of things. And want to hide my vulnerable part
from others.

Knowing what I want in my life seemed so natural when I was younger.
But after I lost my determination and decided to live more "flexibly"
instead, sometimes I feel like I forgot how to figure out what I want.

What I want is maybe nothing unusual. But I was afraid to express
because I might not deserve it and I had thought I might be able
to avoid the disappointment if I had not realized it.

Verbalizing what I want was painful because of the fear. It was quite intense.
But I believe it is inevitable and imperative at some point of my life. And I had
some helps to start confronting and verbalizing things I desier. Ignored longings
can do a lot of harm if they are neglected too long. I have already comsumed
some part of my life to ignore them. I would never say it was a waste, I have
got a lot from there, but it also came with price. It was like a revenge from
the past.

Now, my aim is that no matter how painful it can be, I will recognize, admit, and
accept what I want and know myself better. Phew, sounds like a New Year's
resolution at the beginning of the "real" summer in Tokyo.

2003-08-01T22:41:00.000+09:00

Gavin Hastings

I don't know much about rugby, but Gavin Hastings and his team were my favorite
during the World Cup in 1991. I really loved to see his kicks. The most impressive
scene for me was his free kick near halfway line.

I was 18 years old back then, and preparing for the college entrance exams
next January and February. I had been under terrible pressure to pass them
and stressed out. I didn't like my high school days in the country side and
always wanted to get out from there as soon as I could. So, I decided to
study hard to get an good excuse to leave there.

I was quite self-diciplined, but sometimes I felt like to go out instead of
clinging to my desk to study for exams when the weather was nice on weekends.
However, I didn't mind studying in sunny daytime during the rugby world cup at all.
Because I had something to expect at night. I got everything done by around 9 o'clock
to watch the games with my father. I was not interested in rugby until then, although
my father used to play it for his high school and university and often went to watch
the games to the studium.

One day, I happened to see one of Scotland's games on TV, and I really loved it.
It was probably Japan vs Scotland. I do remember that the first thing I noticed with
the team was the player called "White Shark" (I just searched the web and remembered
his name was John Jeffrey). He stood out and I could not take my eyes off from the
game, and then I noticed Gavin Hastings was great. For those who knows rugby,
it was not surprising at all but it was totally new to me to have a favorite player
like him, because I had never been into any sports until then, and realized that it is
so much fun to watch rugby.

After this game, I always longed for watching another games with my father on
weekends night. It was very nice to have something to look forward on weekends
and also something to share with my father. My father is not very talkative and
the relation between us was not very close. Maybe we are still not so close, but
I noticed that he does have emotions and feelings, of course, even though he does
not show much, and it is getting easier for me to understand why he is like this as
I grow older. After I noticed this, even though he still does not say much, but I feel
he is more acceptive than my mother sometimes. I believe he enjoyed teaching me
the rugby rules and he was happy with that I was interested in what he really likes.

It was a happy moment in my life because I enjoyed to watch Gavin Hastings doing
great plays and his team, and spending time with my father by watching the
games on weekend nights. I do not watch rugby games very often recently (but defintely
I will watch as much as I can during World Cup in this year!), but I still do remember
that I really liked Hastings and Scotland. It is because the memory was very
pleasurable and still the memory makes me in bliss when I think back on.

2003-07-31T01:32:00.000+09:00

影ドロボウ

君は悲しい顔で何を見ていたの
君は悲しい顔で何を見ていたの
何をそんなに困った顔で遠くを見てたの

君は変わった人さ僕は知ってるよ
君は変わった人さ僕は知ってるよ
何もそんなに困ることないよ
そんなのやめなよ

君はなんとかやれるよ
君はなんとかやれるよ
ちょっぴり曲がった君は
とっても素敵だよ

だれもが素直さ愛する
誰もがやさしさを信じる
わけじゃない

フィッシュマンズ「King Master George」
佐藤伸治

今日は手抜き。でもちょうどこんな感じの一日だった気がする。

2003-07-30T01:28:00.000+09:00

慣れないこと

慣れないことをするのは楽しいときもあるのだけど、どう考えても楽しくない類いの
慣れないことをするのは疲れる。

1通のメールが来て、どう考えても楽しくない返事を書かなきゃいけないのが嫌で、
返事を書かずにおいておいたらそのまま放っておいてくれるかと思ったのに電話が
掛かってきてしまった。なので結局楽しくない受け答えを電話でした上に、楽しくない
返事を書く羽目になってしまった。

こういうことをする機会は私の生活ではあまり多いことではなくて、放っておいたら
そのまま逃げ切ることができるのかな、と思っていたのだけど、どうやら読みが
甘かったらしい。その辺も含めてやっぱり慣れていないことなのだな、と思った。

2003-07-29T01:13:00.000+09:00

Why do we shed tears?

To protect our eyes? It is true and very practical, but it doesn't
explain the tears coming with sadness, happiness, fear, etc.

Without tears, it must be difficult to stand for these strong emotions.
These strong, uncontrolable, and heartbreaking emotions are inevitable
in our life at times. To me, it seems that tears help us to handle the strong
emotions well up inside of us and scooping them out, otherwise they become
too intense sometimes.

2003-07-27T17:53:00.000+09:00

Pokka Pokka

心の揺れを静めるために静かな顔をするんだ
真赤な眼で空を見上げて静かな顔をするんだ

眠ってる人を思い出すんだ
眠ってる人はみんな好きだから
眠ってる君を思いだすんだ
眠ってる顔が一番好きだから

ポッカりあいた心の穴を少しずつ埋めてゆくんだ
ぼんやりきまった空に君を大きく描いて

ぼんやりしてればいいことありそうな
気もするししないしわからないけど
さみしい時に泣ければいい
誰かにだけやさしけりゃいい
明日に頼らず暮らせればいい
誰かにだけしか見せない
そんな笑顔があればいいのさ

フィッシュマンズ「宇宙日本世田谷」
佐藤伸治

When I was living in Hiyoshi a couple of years ago, I loved to
listen to this song during sunny weekend.

I was alone in my apartment. I left the window open, put my futon in the
balcony, and played this song while I was lying on the floor with my legs
and arms outstretched and my eyes were closed. I was content with doing
nothing, just laying down and enjoying the music, my free time, and being
alone.

My apartment was up on a hill, kind of small because it was only 1K apartment.
But because of the hill, I got a lot of sunshine and a nice view. I was quite happy
when I moved there because the older apartment I lived was terrible. Never enough
sunshine. So sometimes I just stayed home and was happy about being there
with some music I loved.

Why I was that happy when I was just staying home and being alone?
Maybe it was because I had a smile only for someone then.

2003-07-26T02:52:00.000+09:00

Happiness and Sadness:
It seems that they cannot be separated.
Things makes me happy can make me sad, too.

To care about and to be cared about:
Being care about changed me. I was sad without noticing it.
When I realized that I was sad and I was being cared about,
I wasn't sad anymore. And I felt like to care about more than
being cared about.

2003-07-25T01:48:00.000+09:00

「翻訳夜話 2 サリンジャー戦記」村上春樹、柴田元幸

とにかく二人で楽しそうに The Catcher in the Rye という本、その翻訳、
サリンジャーについて語りまくっている。読んでいてうれしくなるくらい。

初めてサリンジャーを読んだのは、多分12歳か13歳の頃で、読んでみて
思ったのは「なんだ言われてるほど大したことないじゃん」ってことだった。
それから、旧訳の文体がとても嫌だった。

19歳の夏休みに、大学の宿題で英語で読むことになった。そのとき読んで
The Catcher in the Ryeという本が好きになった。そうでもしなければ、
多分この本を読み返すこともあったかどうか怪しかったし、ましてや英語で
読むことは無かったのかもしれなかった。

30歳になる少し前に村上春樹の訳したThe Catcher in the Ryeを読んで
ほっとした。日本語で書かれたこの本を読んでも好きになれるんだな、ということが
わかって。それから、英語で読んだときにこの本をすごく好きだと感じていた部分が
日本語になっても残されていて。

2003-07-24T15:27:00.000+09:00

英語で書けることと日本語でないと書けないこと。あいまいで
とりとめのないことを書きたい時には英語では書けない。ぼんやりと
自分の頭の中に浮かんではいるけれど、かっちりとした形を持って
いない言葉達を並べるときにはやっぱり英語では書けない。それは
自分の英語力のせいでもあるし、日本語と英語の言葉としての違いでも
ある気がするし、実は全くの思い込みなのかもしれない。

もちろん、私が物心ついてからずっと使っている日本語と比べて、英語を
初めて「使った」と言えるのは16歳の時以来だから、やっと今だって年相応の
言葉遣いができているとは思えない。そういう習熟度の問題であるのは
当然のことになる。でもそれだけじゃない気がする。

2003-07-23T02:02:00.000+09:00

"what was the happiest moment in life?".

Here's Coupland again. This is my favorite scene in "All Families Are Psychotic".
The son, Wade, asks his mother Janet. I felt that large part of this book is corny,
but I still like it and Coupland a lot because of this scene.

Janet and Wade are both HIV-positive. Janet was infected because the shot
toward Wade by her husband, ripped through Wade and she got the shot, too.
Actually it is full of this kind of forced plot in this book.

However, this kind of cornieness still didn't impair the beauty of this scene.
The scenes described by Janet and Wade were sad and beautiful. And more
than that, it made me think of what the happiest moment was in my life, which
I had not thought about it for a long time. But it didn't take me too long to
come up with once I start thinking about it. I was blissful with the memory
for a while because I had not recalled the memory for a while. Little while later,
I started feeling sad, almost painfully. Because the memory belongs to my past,
it was gone and something never happen again in my life. And this sorrow
probably made the scene and my memory even more beautiful.